August 6, 2000
Ephesians 4: 25-32 (p. 1019)
Matthew 5: 1-12 (p. 837)
Before the passage: Paul’s letter to the
church at Ephesus.
Like several of Paul’s letter, Ephesians has
a theological section & a practical section.
Paul spends the first 3 chapters spelling out
for the Ephesians all that is theirs "In Christ." - the spiritual
blessings of being in a relationship with God through Christ.
Then in ch. 4 he begins to describe for them
what a life lived in Christ should look life.
(see 4:1)
Please Read 4: 25-32
Ephesians 4:26 -- "Be angry but do
not sin." Would you say that with me? "Be angry but do not sin." That’s
the theme of our text this morning. That’s the theme of the message this
morning. That’s what I want you to walk out of here remembering this morning.
-- "Be angry but do not sin." Say that with me one more time . .
. "Be angry but do not sin."
Notice it doesn’t say, "Don’t get angry!"
Religious people sometimes have trouble coming to grips with anger. We’re
not really sure if we’re for it or against. Is it really OK for Christians
to get angry? After all we’re supposed to be the nice people. "those
nice people down at the church."
Ex. Piano story. Once I was
moving a piano with some church members. The piano had a wobbly leg that
I had asked someone to fix. When we went to set it down it pinched
my fingers and two of my fingers were trapped having the full weight of
the piano pressing down upon them. I yelled "Shoot!" (really, I did!)
And then I pounded the piano with my fist. And when I looked around, people
were in shock. They had never seen a minister punch a piano before. But
it’s not sin to be angry!
"Be angry but do not sin."
Anger is often our friend, our helper,
if we’ll listen to it correctly, and not let it become our Dictator. It
can be our guide but not our dictator.
Ex. Think of it like a funny noise or a
squeak in your car. The noise tells you that there may be a problem --
better stop & take a look at it.
Ex. Anger is also like a smoke alarm in
your house. It warns you of a possible danger & motivates you to take
the appropriate action. It’s a warning sign that something is probably
wrong & it’s time to take a look.
We feel anger when we feel threaten, especially
when we feel we’re in danger of a physical attack. We feel anger when we
feel wronged or violated. We often feel anger when we feel that our goals
are being blocked. We usually feel anger when we have been demeaned, devalued,
or treated unfairly. We feel angry when we’ve been taking advantage of.
So for these & other reasons, you can see why it’s not sin to be angry.
There’s nothing unspiritual about being angry when you’ve wronged or taking
advantage of.
I 6n fact, people who never get angry,
who block off this one emotion, are at a disadvantage sometimes. They may
be prone to allowing others to take advantage of them time & time again
because there’s no anger there to put a stop to it.
Anger is self-protecting and therefore helpful
if we take it as a warning sign. Paul’s saying, "Allow yourself to get
angry, but avoid sinning when you’re angry." "Be angry but do not sin."
John Gottman - the foremost researcher
on marriage in the country.
He has a laboratory where he records couples’
interactions for two days (up until about 9:00 pm only!). He scores their
every interaction -- laughter, teasing, anger, criticism, affection, etc.
He can then predict with 94% accuracy whether or not the couple will divorce.
Gottman has found that 4 behavior predict divorce -- criticism, contempt,
defensiveness, and constant withdraw. Notice that anger did not make the
list. Happily married couples can get angry with each other & do. But
they learn not only to manage their own anger, they learn from what makes
them anger. Anger becomes their teacher & their friend. They also make
it a habit of not letting it get out of control, not letting anger lead
to sin.
Anger can obviously lead us to sinning.
Anger can lead us astray. Daniel Goleman in his
book Emotional Intelligence talks about "emotional highjackings," where
we just get carried away with emotion & anger. We go places that we
would never want to go -- demeaning attacks, put-downs, threats, violence
with words & tragically for some, even physical violence.
Goleman also reports studies that prove
that anger builds anger. Uncontrolled venting of anger doesn’t diminish
the anger within, it increases it. That’s what makes it so dangerous. We
have to manage it, not just vent it uncontrollably. Anger builds on anger.
And Unbridled Anger causes a lot pain.
It also causes a lot of distance in relationships.
Ex. Think about it: if I raised my voice
right now,
-- would you be drawn closer to me?
- get on the edge of your seats?
- or would you start to sit back in your
set a brace yourself?
My anger would push you away.
That’s one of the biggest things I try
to get couples to do -- say what they want to say to their partner in a
way that their partner will hear them & want to respond in a kind way.
("Say it so it lands between you.") Anger can motivate you to bring up
the subject. But too much anger can get in the way of a good talk.
It often creates distance & pain.
So, we don’t want to uncontrollably vent
our anger. Nor do we want to stuff it all the time either. We want to listen
to it, learn from it, and manage it.
Let me make a few suggestions for managing
anger, so that we can learn to be Good & Angry when we’re good ‘n’
angry.
1. Keep an anger journal. Start observing
what triggers your anger -- there may be some common themes that are helpful
to identify -- such as feeling ignored, taken advantage of, demeaned. It’s
helpful to know what our tendencies are, to learn to be able to predict
what is likely to make us anger.
2. Try to discover what is underneath the
anger. Anger is a secondary emotion -- there is always something that lies
beneath. Find out what it is. "I am anger because I feel . . ."
3. Discuss the underlying feeling with
the person you’re anger at. Don’t just vent at them. There’s
a big difference between - "I am so angry at you I could just scream."
unbridle, vented anger vs - "I am feeling very
upset right now and I need to talk about why. I’m angry because . ."
4. If you can’t talk under control
about the underlying feelings, then it’s time to take a time-out.
The first scientific study on anger was
done in 1899. One of the subjects they interviewed said this: "Once
when I was about 13, in an angry fit, I walked out of the house vowing
I would never return. It was a beautiful summer day, and I walked far along
lovely lanes, till gradually the stillness and beauty calmed and soothed
me, and after some hours I returned repentant and almost melted. Since
then when I am angry, I don this if I can, and find it the best cure."
That’s taking a time out -- getting away
from anything that may trigger more anger. In marriage counseling we always
coach people to reassure your partner when you call for a time out. Just
say MacArthur’s famous words, "I’ll be back."
5. Another suggestion for managing anger
is praying the anger. We often feel that we have to speak nicely to God.
We should use proper grammar, a pleasant tone of voice, & always express
gratitude. But if you truly believe that you’ve never read the psalms,
the prayer book of the Bible. The Israelites used to pray their anger --
"God what is going on down
here.
6. One final suggestion for managing anger
is the biblical concept of Meekness. Jesus said, "Blessed are the meek
for they shall inherit the earth." Meekness is not a popular or attractive
word today. The common understanding is one of weakness, wimpiness, spineless
-- unable to stand up for one’s self. But the Greek word that Jesus used
here, praus, means something different entirely. It means strength &
power under control. The word was used to describe an animal that had been
tamed or domesticated. For instance when a horse had been broken in and
became obedient to the reins, it was said to be praus, meek. When a sheep
dog had been trained to respond to the shepherd’s commands and use its
enormous energy to herd the sheep, the sheep dog was said to be praus,
meek. Strength, talent & power under control. That’s where we want
to be with our emotions and our anger.
Be angry but do not sin.
Let’s close by looking at the wonderful
quote on the front of your bulletins.
"Anyone can become angry - that is easy.
But to be angry with the right person, to the
right degree,
at the right time, for the right purpose, and
in the right way - this is not easy." Aristotle
Rich Knight