February 26, 2006
Rev. Rich Knight

Galatians 6:1 & Matthew 23

    I want us to look this morning at The Two Sides of Love. Two Christian counselors, Gary Smalley and John Trent, have written a book by that title.
    You can see these two sides of love in Galatians 6:1- “If anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness.”
    Matthew chapter 23 is just one side of love, and it’s not the usual side of love that we see from Jesus. Keep in mind that Matthew records some of Jesus most tender and loving statements:
       - Blessed are the poor in spirit
       - Blessed are the meek
       - Whoever humbles himself like a child is the greatest
       - Love your enemies and do not curse them
       - The Greatest commandment = love God and thy love neighbor
We can easily picture Jesus saying these things!
But look at Matthew 23:13-17, 23-24

    ‘But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you lock people out of the kingdom of heaven. For you do not go in yourselves, and when others are going in, you stop them. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cross sea and land to make a single convert, and you make the new convert twice as much a child of hell as yourselves.

    ‘Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which on the outside look beautiful, but inside they are full of the bones of the dead and of all kinds of filth. So you also on the outside look righteous to others, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

    This passage doesn’t even sound like Jesus, does it? “Lord, is that you?” Of course he probably spoke those words not only with anger but also with sadness and with tears in his eyes. The word “Woe” used there is a term of righteous anger but it includes sadness, the sadness that comes from a warning that may or may not be heard. But what you see here is the hard side of love.

    When we in the church talk about love we usually think about such things as kindness, gentleness, forgiveness, tenderness, acceptance. That’s the soft side of love. It’s warm, embracing, comfortable.

    The hard side of love is often uncomfortable for us. The hard side of love is such things as confrontation, accountability, consequences, truth, discipline.

   Most people are better at one than the other. Most of us err in one direction or the other - a lot of one, but not much of the other.

    Some people are really good at expressing tender, gentle, genuine, sincere love - with words, hugs, gifts, & actions. But they may not be comfortable with confronting others, or standing up for themselves, or saying “no.” The hard side of love sometimes has to say “no,” or “no more.” But that’s hard for those people who are really good at the soft side of love, but very uncomfortable with the hard side.

    Illustration. Remember that commercial for Midas mufflers, where the boxer George Foreman tries the get this guy to be assertive? “I’m not gonna pay a lot for this muffler,” the man says weakly. George makes him repeat it over and over again urging him to say it more strongly with conviction, but he just can’t. He can’t do the hard side of love. Some folks are really good at the soft side of love but not at the hard side.

    Now there are of course other folks who are pretty good at the hard side of love. They tell it like it is. You never have to wonder where you stand. They are never afraid to speak a disagreeable word. They are strong in their beliefs & purposeful. They hold others accountable. They believe in consequences & discipline. These folks never struggle at saying “no” or “no way” or “over my dead body.” But some of them may struggle with the soft side of love - gentleness, encouragement, saying “I love you,” or speaking the truth in a loving, kind, respectful way.

    Love has two sides. Hard & Soft. Sunny side up/down.

    Now God loves us with a Soft Love and a Hard Love. “Thou shalt not commit adultery! Thou shalt not murder! Thou shalt not bear false witness against they neighbor! Thou shalt not covet!” These are my rules! It’s Hard Love. Of course these words are said from a tender heart of love - “obey my commands and live,” truly live!

    In Isaiah 40 we see God loving with both loves.
Vs. 10 - “The Sovereign Lord comes with power, and his arm rules for him.” - this signified a conquering warrior approaching with great strength. - Hard Love
Vs. 11 - “He tends his flock like a shepherd; he gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”

    In the Old Testament you clearly see both loves.
“For I am a jealous God.” who gets angry when we abandon our faith and serve other masters. - Hard Love

“For the Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” - Soft
God loves with both types of love - hard & soft.

    Jesus ministered to people with both types of love.
John 8. Think of John 8 and the woman caught by the Pharisees in the act of adultery. “Does no one condemn you, Ma’am?” “No one Lord,” she replies. “Neither do I condemn you.” That’s all soft love. But then he adds, “Go & sin no more.” That’s hard love. It calls for responsibility, righteousness & growth.

    Jesus loved his disciples with both types of love. In Matthew 16 - Jesus is soft & hard with Peter. “Who do you say that I am?” Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God.” Jesus says, “You are truly blessed, Peter, for God has revealed this to you. You’re a Rock, Peter. To you is given the keys of the Kingdom.” It’s a blessing - soft, but powerful.

    A few verses later Jesus is telling the disciples that he must suffer & die, and then be raised. Peter pulls him aside and says, “Never, Lord. This shall never happen to you.” You remember Jesus’ response - “Get thee behind me Satan.” Jesus was hearing the voice of temptation calling to him through Peter. He was talking to the Tempter, but he wasn’t afraid to set Peter straight, even though he had just encouraged and blessed him. Both types of love help us grow.

    I’m presently reading a book someone gave me entitled How to be a Great Divorced Dad (by Dr. Kenneth Condrell & Linda L. Small). The book warns about the danger of being too lenient on the kids when they’re with Dad. Standards can be lower, such as eating habit, behavior standards, bedtimes, etc. The authors warn, don’t make that mistake. Be a strict Dad. Hold them to high standards. Don’t let the situation become an excuse for sub-standard behavior. But then they said, but make sure you’re a encouraging, bear-hugging, roll around on the floor with them, kind of Dad, so that they never have to doubt that you love ‘em and that you’re so proud of them. I thought to myself, “I can do that. Strict with lots of bears hugs and affection. I get it.”

     Kids need both kinds of love - Hard & Soft.
Since we usually talk so about Soft Love, let me make some suggestions for utilizing the Hard side of Love in a healthy way.

    First, Hard Love is best used sparingly. No one wants to be confronted morning, noon & night. Balance the hard love with lots of soft love.

    Illustration. Early in my ministry the Deacons at my previous church told me that they’d like to hear more hard-hitting, challenging sermons. I understood that. I had been taught that the job of the preacher is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. Soft love and hard. The Deacons felt that I was woefully neglecting the hard stuff. They told me this at a meeting in September, and so for the next 10 weeks, I hit ‘em with everything I had. Every sermon was an in-your-face sermon! “What’s wrong with you people! Get serious and get right with God! Today! Now! Do you hear me?”

    By Thanksgiving they begged me to go back to my former preaching teaching style!

    The researchers that study marriage find that in a healthy marriage there is a great imbalance between positive and negative interactions. So much so that for every negative interaction, there needs to be five positive interactions to make things healthy and loving. So the balance should tilt strongly towards soft love.

    In the New Testament there are 89 chapters in the 4 gospels. Matthew 23 is the only chapter of its kind, where you find nothing but tough, hard love. This was not Jesus usual approach. His usual approach was more like what we see in his interaction with Zacchaeus, the “wee little man up in the tree,” as the Sunday school songs says. Well, Jesus is entering Zacchaeus’ town and the crowds are turning out in great numbers to see the itinerant healer and preacher from Nazareth. Jesus singles out Zacchaeus and invites himself for dinner (when you’re the Savior you can do stuff like that). Zacchaeus is honored, since he was the tax collector in town for the hated Romans and thus had few friends.

    Jesus makes such a soft loving connection with Zacchaeus that once they’re there, Zacchaeus gets up and says, “I need to pay a bunch of people back that I’ve swindled out of their money, and I want to give half of my possessions to the poor.” Jesus says, “Truly salvation has come to this house tonight.” How did salvation come? Through soft love. The soft love won Zacchaeus over. Jesus didn’t even have to mention Zacchaeus’ dishonest practices or his neglect of the poor. He could have taken a hard approach, but he tried the soft approach first and it worked.

    Which leads me to the second suggestion for utilizing Hard Love, and that’s to, blend it with soft love, even as you’re doing it.

   Remember Galatians 6:1? “If anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness.”

    Hard love is still love. We must try to convey that in our words and in our tone of voice. As Paul said to the Ephesians, the road to maturity is, “Speaking the truth in love”(Eph. 4:15).
Another suggestion for practicing hard love is to be very specific. Stay focused on behavior. Argue the point not the person. In schools today they teach children to say,“I feel _______ when you do _______.” “I felt hurt when you teased me on the playground.” Very specific “I” statements that promote healthy discussions, vulnerability, and reconciliation.

    Sometimes naming the behavior helps. In Matthew 23 Jesus is saying that the Pharisees behavior is hypocritical. They are telling people to do one thing, while doing another.

     I once heard a British preacher very specifically warn his church about gossip. I wish I had a British accent because it makes you sound so intelligent and gentle. So the force of his words snuck up on the American congregation he said this to: “If you’re going to gossip, go someplace else and do it.” That’s being very specific and clear.

    I think we should say that in our churches today - bullying, slandering, abusive behavior and gossiping are out of bounds. Such behaviors will be named, challenged, and not tolerated.

    Here’s one final point about Hard Love. Sometimes, Hard Love is the only approach you have left.

    Illustration. In Pennsylvania, the Conference Minister was a friend of mine. (Conference Ministers in our tradition are the equivalent of bishops. They are the pastors to the pastors and to all the churches.) This particular Conference Minister was an amazing man and a great pastor. He had incredible gifts for ministry.
His teaching, preaching and pastoral care were all superb. But in conference ministry you need one other set of skills, administrative. This was not his strongest gift and thus the ministry and effectiveness of the conference was suffering. My friend’s term was coming to an end. He wanted to be reelected. The board of the conference did not recommend him for that. He would not resign, and stood for reelection. He was voted out by the conference delegates. I voted for my friend. I didn’t understand Hard Love at the time. But in the end, the delegates were right. They hired a fine administrator, and my friend went back to being a pastor and has loved it ever since.

    In the book, The Two Sides of Love, the authors say, “Jesus was always soft on people yet hard on their problems.”
      So practice both this week.
         - at work - if you supervise people you have to do both
         - at home - parenting
         - all your relationships
      Practice speaking the truth in love.
      Practice saying “No.”
      Practice Hard Love & Soft Love.