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“Boundaries 101” - January, 11 2009

Rev. Dr. Richard B. Knight

Genesis 3:1-7, 20-21

Exodus 20:1-17

I’d like to speak to you just briefly this morning on the subject of Boundaries - “Boundaries 101.” This coming Saturday there’s a seminar next door on Boundaries and how they relate to the church. I thought I’d talk this morning about boundaries and how they relate to our personal lives.

The classic Christian book on the subject is entitled, Boundaries was written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. They have made a career on the subject of boundaries. They’ve written, Boundaries in Marriage, in Dating, with Children, with Teens, a book on all kinds of relationships entitled, “Boundaries Face to Face.”

In 2001 I went to a seminar by Dr. Henry Cloud and remember him saying this about boundaries - “Boundaries are designed to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.” Boundaries are designed to protect ourselves from what is or may be harmful and to promote and enhance within us and within our relationships what is helpful and good.

There are different types of boundaries. There are physical boundaries, such a property lines, or state lines, or national boundaries. A fence is a simple boundary.

Yesterday I watched a beautiful fox walking briskly right out my back window. I was amazing at its beauty and size. Then I realized where it was heading - to a house near by that has chickens. Fortunately for the chickens there’s a fence surrounding them - to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

The 10 Commandments are a list of boundaries. They’re designed to keep us safe and help us thrive.

#1 - Don’t worship false gods, worship only me says the Lord.

- Put a boundary marker around your soul, and only offer it up to God.

#2 - Don’t worship idols - things made with your hands -

- Don’t worship things - worship me

Materialism isn’t good for your soul. Worship God and be content and free! Put up some spiritual boundary lines - here is what I will worship and give my life to - God - and things I will keep in their proper perspective - they’re not in here in the center of my life - I’ve put a fence around my soul - and my soul is too precious, too important to let materialism sneak in like a fox and devour my soul.

The 4th commandment is a different kind of boundary - it’s a boundary of time. Honor the sabbath and keep it holy. Put boundary lines around the sabbath - take one day and put up “Private Property - No Work Allowed” for one day of your week. Keep work stuff out for a while so you can restore yourself, your soul, and your relationships with others and with God. Honor the sabbath by putting a boundary marker around it.

#7 - “Thou shalt not commit adultery” is another boundary marker. In my work as a pastor, almost nothing is more painful than an affair. When people cross that boundary they cross over into a land of pain, thinking it’s a land of pleasure.

#9 - The 9th commandment is a boundary related to the truth - “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” Don’t cross over the line of the truth.

Gossip crosses over that line. Sharing private information about someone crosses over a line of decency and kindness.

#10 - The 10th Commandment has to do with a boundary of the heart - “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house or anything belonging to your neighbor.”

It’s an emotional boundary that God set up for our own good that says, “Don’t focus on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have and enjoy those things with contentment in your hearts.” - block everything else out, put emotional boundary markers around your home and enjoy what you have inside.

Boundaries are necessary to protect ourselves because of human sinfulness. God established the first boundary with Adam & Eve. - “You shall not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good & evil.” When they crossed over that boundary everything became a mess. So more boundaries were needed to deal with this new situation - they made loincloths for themselves. Later on it says God made clothes for them as well. A boundary, a layer of protection and modesty was now needed - because sin had entered the world.

Boundaries are there to protect us from sin & harm. That’s why we need to sometimes set our personal boundaries with others.

- You may not hit me.

- You may not demean me or verbally abuse me.

- You may not emotionally abuse me with rage and insults - I’m putting a boundary around that. It must stop or I remove myself.

We need to learn to set boundaries with ourselves and with others - for everyone’s benefit. Ex. This is why counselors set a time limit. - “I can see you for 3pm - 4pm. I’ll block off that time for you, come in & work hard for that time, it’s your time.” That works well for both parties.

The subtitle of Cloud & Townsend’s book is “When to say Yes, When to say No to take control of your life.” Saying “No” is setting a boundary.

I was shopping this past week, and in two different stores back to back they tried to get me to sign up for their rewards card. The first store took my polite “No, thanks” for an answer. At the next store the clerk said, “You know, if you did sign up for the rewards card you’d get $5.00 off on this purchase.” “No, I’m all set.” “And then you’d get 10% off on your next purchase.” “No, I don’t have time today.” “It really doesn’t take much time. And it’s such a good deal.”

“If you ask me one more time, I’m not going to buy these things.”

I was trying to set a boundary, and the clerk was not letting me do that. And that’s not a good feeling. We should always question when someone is testing our boundaries, and repeatedly trying to cross our boundaries.

Some boundaries are rigid - It’s never ok to hit me. “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Other boundaries are flexible - I might open up a rewards card at the one store. Sometimes we need to ask permission to cross a boundary - “May I give you a hug?”

Well, I hope this has been a helpful introduction to boundaries from a biblical perspective. Boundaries help us remember where we end and where another person begins, so that by honoring that distinctiveness we can better love one another and ourselves.

So think about boundaries this week.

How we set them with others?

What boundaries we need to set better?

What boundaries people try to cross with us?

Let’s pray:

Gracious and Loving God, make us wise in your ways that we might better love you, one another and ourselves. In your Holy Name we pray. Amen.