Feb. 25, 2007
Rev. Dr. Richard M. Knight

I Cor. 13, Matthew 20:24-28 (p. 19 NT)

This month we’ve been looking at ways to simplify our lives. We’ve talked about giving up perfectionism, striving instead for quality, even excellence, but not driven to perfection. We’ve talked about living out the simple virtues of Christianity - such as faith, hope and love. We’ve talked about managing stress, and calming our anxieties by regularly placing ourselves into the arms of God. When we’ve aware of God’s presence, there is peace within. As the touch of Christ says, "Trust me." And we’ve talked about living one day at a time, one moment at a time - enjoying and soaking in the moments of our lives - being fully alive and fully present.

There are many more topics we could talk about. There’s a number of biblical principles that can help us simplify our lives - such as cultivating contentment - especially as we’re bombarded with advertising messages aimed at making us feel discontented. Contentment is another one of those simple virtues that serves us well. Another biblical practice that can simplify our lives is that of Sabbath - regularly taking time apart from work on any kind. If we believe that God gave the 10 commandments for our benefit, then it follows that God designed us such that we need a day of rest. Simplify, simplify.

I also think the concept of spiritual gifts is a simplifying concept - that God has given each of us abilities to use for the benefit of others and ourselves, and when we use these gifts and abilities we feel most alive.

Therefore we should do most what we do best. We should prioritize our lives based on our abilities and our callings.

Well, those are just a few more biblical principles that can help us live the lives we want to live as people of faith. My pastor used to often say:

God made this world.

God made us.

Therefore the best way for us to go through this world is God’s way.

The bible helps us learn God’s ways - not necessarily as an answer book where we look up every specific situation that we face and we find a specific answer. But instead the Bible gives us spiritual disciplines to practice as well as virtues to live out and pictures in the lives of biblical men & women of what faith looks like when it’s lived out and when its not.

In Matthew 20 we get a picture of some Christian virtues not being living out. The mother of James and John comes to Jesus and asks that her sons be able to sit at his side in heaven - one on Jesus’ left and one at his right. It’s a bold request, isn’t it? "Lord, may I help you with the seating arrangements in heaven? I have a few ideas."

Now, we can’t be too hard on the mother here. In the Gospel of Mark, ch. 10, Mark tells the same story and he says that James & John asked the question directly - "May we each sit at your side in heaven?"

This explains why the other disciples were angry with James and John.

They knew they wanted the places of honor and power. Perhaps all 12 of them wanted it?

So Jesus has to say a few words about the virtue of being a servant. "The rulers of the Gentiles - people who aren’t on this faith journey you & I are on - they lord it over people, their ‘great ones’ are tyrants over the people. But it must not be so among you. Whoever wishes to be great, must be a servant. Just as I have not come to lord it over you - you must live the same way. I have not come to be served, but to serve."

The story reminds me of a book I read a few years back entitled, "Imperative People: Those Who Must be in Control - How to keep your greatest strength from becoming your greatest weakness." - Les Carter

The word "imperative" has several definitions - but they all have to do with command, control and direct. The Imperative tense in grammar is used in commands - "Stop!" "Go!" "Be careful!" "Watch out!"

Imperative People use the Imperative Tense too often and by doing so we make everybody around us tense with that tense! Les Carter defines Imperative People as "those whose need for control disrupts their closest relationships." He says the "ability to organize and lead becomes a weakness, rather than an asset, when our imperative nature disrupts our relationships with our family, our business associates, and our friends."

Instead of just organizing our own lives, we organize everyone else’s life as well.

You know, people who are well organized and precise are very important in this world. When your plane is circling the airport getting ready to land, you want the air controller to being controlling the air space in a very precise way. The problem is that we can take a strength and take it too far, so much so that it becomes a weakness.

Campus Crusade for Christ has a pamphlet entitled the "Four Spiritual Laws." It’s used to help people understand Christianity. The first spiritual law is: God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Well, the first spiritual law for Imperative People is: God loves you and I have a wonderful plan for your life!

"Lord, I’ve been thinking about the seating arrangements at the heavenly banquet, when you shall reign forever and ever and ever, as King of Kings and Lord of Lords! But again, I have just a few simple suggestions for you!"

I mentioned a behavior a few weeks ago about people coming into your home and straightening the pictures hanging on your wall. - Maybe I like them crooked! - that’s Imperative Behavior.

Here’s a little quiz to see if you might struggle with Imperative Thinking.

1. I tend to use words like should, ought, must and can’t when I’m talking with other people.

2. I get irritated when other people make mistakes.

3. I tend to do an important job myself because someone else might not do it right.

4. I am annoyed & upset more often than I’d like to be.

5. When I’m working on a project I often become so focused that I get irritated when someone interrupts me, and I tend to snap at them.

6. I get impatient when other people can’t understand what needs to be done.

7. I have a mental list of standards people should meet before I accept them.

8. I sometimes resent having to do so much for my family.

9. When someone tells me about a personal problem, I feel I have to provide a solution.

10. I hate to admit my weaknesses, even if they seem obvious to others.

11. I hate quizzes like this. Just make your point and move on.

Do you get the picture? Imperative thinking is filled with "shoulds."

By the way, Les Carter says that Imperative People can be Type A - fast paced/aggressive individuals. But they can also be Type B people - they’re just a bit quieter about their "shoulding!" - they tend to use the silent treatment & passive/aggressive behavior more often than Type As.

Illustration. Carter has a good illustration to help us see how funny and frustrating Imperative Thinking really is. It goes like this:

"Imagine I invited you to be guests in my home. And as you entered the front door, I greeted you with a legal document. This document contained 25 instructions telling you how you must behave while you’re in my home. Now, I feel very justified in asking you to sign this agreement because I know that each item is a correct instruction derived from the Bible itself. But how would you feel as I presented this list to you with the requirement of your signature?

Now, suppose you decide to humor me and sign my list of regulations. Then throughout the evening as we chatted I would pull out the document and point out how you were not living up to our agreement.

How would you feel then? - tense, annoyed, angry, resentful, worried, fearful? I too would be tense, irritated and worried trying to police your actions. It would be a lousy evening, wouldn’t it? This is the impact that Imperative thinking and controlling behavior have on relationships.

You see, Love and control are opposites. There is a freedom in loving. Love allows the other person to be themselves, not who we think they should be. St. Paul said, "Love does not insist on its own way." There’s a freedom to love. If we’re subtly or not-so-subtly trying to control another person, we’re not loving them.

Illustration. Robin Smith in her popular book Lies at the Altar discusses this issue of control in relationships by telling this story.

"Helen was a 50 yr. old widow, contemplating marriage to a 65 yr. old man. She had never been to a therapist, but she took a chance because she needed to do a reality check. "I don’t know if this is important or if I’m just being silly," she told me. "I haven’t had much practice being engaged."

Helen had been widowed at 45, after being married since the age of 17. She didn’t expect to get married again, but to her surprise, she’d met a man two years earlier, and their relationship progressed to the point where he wanted to give her a ring. That was when the trouble started.

"Jack told me he was looking for just the right ring. I wanted to be a part of the process, and he basically told me he knew what he wanted. What HE wanted. He took me to a jewelry store and told the saleslady, ‘Show her what I think looks good.’ I was shocked, embarrassed, and furious. It was just plain control. I wanted to show him what I liked, and he called me a spoiled princess."

Smith writes, "As she told the story Helen became increasingly indignant. Then she thrust out her left hand to show me a large diamond ring that overpowered her small hand. ‘He went ahead and got the ring he knew I hated, and the other night he presented it to me." She accepted it and was now wondering if she should have.

Love and control are opposite habits of the hearts. God illustrates this in the way that we are loved. God doesn’t control us! The Creator doesn’t control the creatures. Our Creator loves us instead - and has given us free will, individuality, choices, wisdom, reason and souls to serve as guides through life. Even the gift of the Holy Spirit - the very living presence and energy of God within us - is not to control us and manipulate us - but rather to inspire us and energize us!

God is looking for partners - who co-operate with God in this thing called life. God isn’t looking for puppets but partners. And since God wants a loving partnership with us ("covenant") - God doesn’t control us. God gives us the freedom to be, to live, to choose, to co-produce our lives with God. God loves us!

I do know that there are times when we all have to do things that call for some type of control. When I’m with my boys I want them to know that I am in charge. Parenting often involves some form of controlling behavior. If you have to supervise people you also have to seek to "control" behavior in the sense of lifting up the standards and values of the company. I believe that the key to parenting and supervising is to influence behavior in such a way that is respectful of individuality and creativity, to avoid "lording" it over people and instead give them ownership and choices.

Well, here are some key virtues for us to practice that challenge and tame imperative thinking & controlling behavior:

1. Servanthood. - learning what life looks like from behind another’s eyes. Be slow to speak & quick to listen. Servant leadership is very powerful.

2. Sabbath Keeping - learning to slow down and center one’s self. - even God took a day off & rested.

3. Learning to let go - to let people live their own lives and leave the results up to them and God. AA talks about Letting Go and Letting God.

4. But the greatest virtue to practice is love. Next time you find yourself getting impatient with someone, or irritable about their behavior not meeting your standards - ask yourself - am I feeling love towards this person? - am I conveying Christian love right now?

- or am I putting my "shoulds" in the way of love?

The Greatest of These is Love.

This desire for complete control is as old as humanity itself.

Adam & Eve were given just one rule to abide by in the Garden of Eden - just one restriction - don’t eat from the tree of the knowledge of good & evil.

But they wanted complete control of their lives.

And the result was a damaged relationship with God and with each other.